Now Hiring
by rogue planet 13
Summary: Got a mean streak? Do you enjoy minionship? One of these positions just might be the dream job for you! Will also include job offers by Emperor Palpatine, Sauron, and Moriarty, to name a few.
1. The Joker

**Disclaimer: I don't own the DC franchise or anything else I may write about in this fanfiction.**

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><p><strong>Now Hiring: Goons<strong>

Do you like fun and games? Party masks? Dynamite?

We're looking for team players who can adhere to a rigid schedule, work well in a stress-filled environment, and are skilled with explosives of all types. Employees can expect to help with various activities ranging from robbing banks to blowing up hospitals.

Skills required: No education necessary. Ability to tell time is a must. Prior criminal experience is preferred.

Salary is a generous share in all ill-gotten gains. Salary will not be advanced. You have to survive until payday if you want to draw your paycheck.

We maintain a cheerful atmosphere among our personnel. You will be expected to laugh at all your employer's jokes (funny or otherwise) and look politely interested when listening to depressing, fabricated stories about his childhood.

In case you are uncertain whether or not this is the right job for you, we offer a brief trial period where you will have a chance to witness first-hand what we do to other people who don't cooperate with us.

There happens to be some slight confusion as to what exactly the Joker's goals are - whether they consist of destroying Gotham City or simply making Batman take off his mask. Therefore, we cannot offer any inspiring motivations such as bettering the world or helping underprivileged people. But hey, you're just in it for the money anyway, right? And there's plenty of that! (If you survive.)

Dress code is extremely relaxed. Normal, everyday attire is acceptable except in rare cases when you may be required to don medical garb and impersonate hostages. The only thing you will be required to wear on a daily basis is an attractive team clown mask which serves two useful functions: first, it frightens the living daylights out of anyone who happens to have coulrophobia (that's the fear of clowns, and after the first 30 minutes of this show everyone will definitely have it), and second, it conceals your identity from the general public so that when you die you're just another faceless goon.

Apply below!


	2. The Other

**Welcome, all applicants! You're all going to love working for the Joker. I'll just remind you at this point that I'm not responsible for what may happen to you on the job site - I just publish the ads.**

**As for those of you who weren't interested in the last job offer, here's one that may be more to your liking.**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own the Marvel franchise.<strong>

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><p><strong>Now Hiring: Chitauri<strong>

Growing restless? Join the new army! Now fully armed and equipped.

Experience teleportation firsthand!

Active and physically fit aliens wanted for Thanos's invasion army. This is a full-time job requiring motivation, loyalty, and commitment. Weapons, uniforms, and training are all provided.

Skills required: Ability to dodge lightning, arrows, knives, bullets, shields, hammers, falling rubble, and enormous green rage monsters is preferred. Applicants must be well-versed in using hand grenades, terrorizing civilians, and leaping onto buildings from moving attack centipedes.

The theatre of operations is as yet classified, but statistics suggest New York City, since it has sustained more alien invasions than anywhere else in the universe. Another piece of evidence pointing to that conclusion is the attack pods for manoeuvring on city streets now being issued to the army.

Commanding the army is a snotty Asgardian princeling. You will be expected to keep him on track and make sure he does not wander off to settle old scores.

You will be facing the meagre might of Earth, mostly consisting of the city police force. It will not pose a serious threat. You may also run into a motley band of superheroes, demigods, and special agents styling themselves "the Avengers." Your leader is responsible for making sure they are kept busy fighting each other and not you. Your main danger is a nuclear strike. Should one occur, it is imperative that the nuke does NOT reach the control ship. If it does, you will all die.

Pay: Thanos is suffering from a shortage of funds at present, due to his extensive operations in other parts of the universe. Therefore there is no official salary. However, you will be invading one of the richest countries on earth so there will be plenty to steal in the way of taxi cabs, office supplies, and schawarma. If you're lucky enough to get inside Stark Tower you may even get a drink, although the home of billionaire Tony Stark will probably be turned into officers' quarters. Still, no harm in hoping.

Apply below!


	3. Barbossa

**Notes: **OneSizeFitsAll**: You could always work part time, right? ;) **Rousdower**: Not good at dodging? Neither am I. But neither are Chitauri, apparently. :P **MOSObsessed**: XD Thanks! **Lily Lindsey-Aubery**: The Other wrote that last job offer. Thanos was too busy with his other projects. Is the Other supposed to be a Chitauri, I wonder? Because if so, why didn't he die when the rest did? Hmm, fanfic idea, maybe?**

**OK, I have to write one for PotC, so let's get this over with...**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.<strong>

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><p><strong>Now Hiring: Zombie Pirates<strong>

Have YOU been dreaming of sandy beaches? Swaying palm trees? Buried treasure?

Don't miss this exciting career opportunity in the Caribbean!

You don't have to be a zombie to apply! We're looking for anyone with a thirst for adventure...and gold. But please don't apply if you don't like pirates.

Skills required: Good sword fighting skills, marksmanship with obsolete flintlock firearms, and cannon firing skills are preferred, but not required. You will be frightening enough to intimidate most of your enemies into doing what you want them to and in case not, you won't be able to die so you won't have anything to worry about. Also, we don't object to having useless people around (like Elizabeth Swann), just as long as they don't take up too much room on board.

Your piratical experience begins with a special secret initiation ceremony in which you will steal a piece of gold from a cursed treasure chest. This will, through an as yet scientifically unexplored process, turn you into an unkillable zombie. Why is this important? It's not, but it's totally awesome - try standing in the moonlight for a seriously sick effect!

You can expect to participate in activities such as: Raiding coastal towns, marooning your captain, stealing treasure, trying to eat and drink without being able to, chasing Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner, being chased by Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner, being annoyed by Elizabeth Swann, doing dumb things that the audience will hopefully think are really cool.

And just in case that's not enough to make you flip over backwards to join up, check out the

Pay:

Obviously, the coin you will steal from the cursed treasure chest (except you might be required to give it back later), but also a part in all the treasure we steal! You may want to limit your acquisitions to treasure, since you won't be able to enjoy any food or drink you steal.

Risks: You won't be able to die, so there are absolutely no risks involved in signing up! After you've signed up, you won't be able to be un-zombie-fied, so do take this into account when considering this opportunity. Also, if you happen to be shot just before the curse is lifted (and we are currently working on lifting it because it's annoying not to be able to eat or drink), you could possibly bleed to death when the curse is lifted. But other than that, there are no risks whatsoever!

So stop waiting around!

Apply below!

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><p><strong>Notice: Announcing the Great Fanfiction Christmas Countdown! <strong>

**I and two fellow authors will be writing a Christmas fanfiction for each of twelve different fandoms, one every day, from December 14 to Christmas day. There's more about it on my profile page, if you'd like to know more. Hope you'll read some of the stories!**

**That being said, I may not update this story again until January. :P**


	4. Darth Vader

**Ah, another recruit for the Joker. Welcome to the team! You're gonna love it! *maniacal laughter***

**What? Only one pirate applicant? I can not believe you people! I mean, who wouldn't want a job in the tropics? :P Okay, here's one you may like better: in a galaxy far, far away. I have to warn you, though - the pay is not as good.**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars franchise.<strong>

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><p><strong>Now Hiring: Storm Troopers<strong>

Been feeling like a useless clone lately?

We have the droids - er, job - you're looking for.

Skills required: No skills are required. You will be trained to shoot. Unfortunately the dark visors on your helmets will prevent you from actually hitting anything you shoot at, but that doesn't matter since it's just to look cool and make a lot of noise anyway.

You can expect to help with imperial activities including but not limited to killing off all the jedis, marching around in supporting roles to make Darth Vader look more epic, and preventing droids from escaping with important plans (we hope you will, anyway - that's why we're hiring you).

Dress code: White body armour and weapons are provided. Only standard sizes are issued. Short rebels trying to infiltrate the Death Star need not apply.

Pay: Well, of course we're going to pay you. How much? We'll tell you once you join up. There's no problem with that, is there? _I find your lack of faith disturbing._

Risks include but are not limited to the following: death by rebel blasters, dismemberment by jedi lightsaber and/or angry wookie, strangulation by Darth Vader should you prove as clumsy as you are stupid, possible jedi mind manipulation, instantaneous death if the Death Star happens to get blown up.

Apply in box below (Unless you are Han Solo or Luke Skywalker. In that case, go away.)

Bonus job offer: Bounty hunter

For the capture of Han Solo. We will pay really well but we want him alive: no disintegration.

Apply below


	5. The Emperor

**Well, that one didn't go over as well. Still, there were several applicants for the bounty hunter position, so we should have Han Solo in no time. Thanks, guys! **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**: You probably won't like this job offer either, since you don't like the Emperor; otherwise I'd say it was the perfect job for you. However, you could always take the position and then murder the Emperor once he thinks you're working for him.**

**A special note from the Joker to his new pawn - er, pal: Sure, you can try (_try_, okay? TRY) to stab me in the back. That will make things more interesting, won't it? _Come on, I want you to do it..._**

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><p><strong>Wanted: Siths<strong>

*noisy, laboured breathing* "WHAT IS IT MY MASTER?"

"I need you to say the opening line for my advertisement."

"YES, MASTER."

*epic music fades in*

DISCOVER THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE.

Do you have amazing, unexplained skills? High midichlorian counts? A red lightsaber? If so, you may have an opportunity to become my NEW APPRENTICE!

Before you receive the position, you will have to prove you are worthy by killing my old apprentice, Darth Vader. Don't worry, he's old in every sense of the word and getting rusty - literally. I mean, the guy is almost entirely made out of metal due to an unfortunate run-in with his former jedi master in which he lost his arms and legs. The fact that he may or may not be your father shouldn't bother you either. I mean, after all, the fact that you're his son didn't stop him from trying to kill you, did it?

_Ooooh, I can feel your annnnger. It gives you focussssss._

There is no pay.

There are no risks.

Metal helmet, epic black cape, and blinky chest control panel are optional.

Did I say something about pay? Well, if you like power there's plenty of that.

_Once more the Sith will rullllllle the Galaxy!_

*epic music fades out*

Apply below.


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